July 24 2008 11:38pm Gotta list some facts, obvious or not: I hate Baltimore. A lot. Always. I love my friends, but I'm used to leaving people. And no, I haven't lost the ability to be upset about it. i just can handle it now. Kev needs his degree in SC. I need my degree sometime. A 4 year. I move in about a year. I take classes straight from Fall through next Fall semesters to get my degree. I need a minimum of 33 more credits, but due to how things work I need to take 44. I'll graduate a two year degree with 121 credits. I wanted kids by about 28. I'll be 25 before I get my new degree. I also have no idea how I'm paying for SC. I want to move now, but even if I move later I face the same issues.. Am I ready to move so far from home, to get a job and make sure I can pay rent and such? Credit is about $300 an hour, plus rent, internet, phone, power, water and trash. And cats. With the job to pay for my estimated half to live comfortably down there, I still estimate Kev needing to pay for his own rent and school in his senior year. I want to move now. I don't know if I can get a job to pay for things without my Associate's. If I move now, Kev pays $300 a credit for math and science credits when he could pay $90 here. That was the idea. And he won't graduate sooner. I kinda wanted to get married. Remember that part? If I do, he loses his money for college from his dad. If I go sooner, I can get married sooner. But then I won't get married in PA/DE like we originally planned. I'll have to do it closer. This is a planning nightmare. The majority of people I want to bring down couldn't go, considering how far it is. Unless I have a HUGE house to rent. HUGE. So I won't get married. I'll live with Kev for 4-5 years before getting married. What the fuck. We get better financial aid if we do, so I don't mind losing the money from his dad as much. So if I don't move, I'm stuck here in the slime and filth that is this shit hole of MD, in my over-filled town home with a degree I won't use and a job that gets me nowhere. Tags: considerations, life, list, pros and cons, stress, thoughts Pray

July 16 2008 12:00am http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! Date: 2008-07-11, 2:53AM EDT GORGEOUS 10 x 14 BEDROOM, DRENCHED WITH LOTS OF AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT, GENEROUS CLOSET SPACE, CLEAN BATHROOM, NICE COMMON SPACE AND STORAGE. W/D IN BASEMENT (COIN-OP ALTHOUGH LANDLORD IS IN PROCESS OF MAKING IT FREE!) AND ELEC/COOKING GAS/HI-SPEED INTERNET/TRASH PICK-UP INCLUDED IN RENT. STREET PARKING. CLOSE TO HOSPITALS AND SOME SHOPPING. LIVE WITH TWO QUIET ROOMMATES BOTH STUDENTS (ONE INTERNATIONAL) NO DRINKING/DRUGS, CALM LIVING ENVIRONMENT FOR RIGHT INDIVIDUAL WITH REGULAR HOURS. THERE IS ONE SMALL CATCH THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM AT ALL WITH PREVIOUS TENANTS. BEDROOM MUST BE SHARED WITH APPROX. 700 LB. ADULT MALE SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME. HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE. BIG KITCHEN WITH BREAKFAST AREA. BEDROOM WINDOWS FACE REAR COURTYARD NO TRAFFIC NOISE! SOMEWHAT LOW CEILINGS BUT GUT RENOVATED WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND ORIGINAL MOLDINGS. NOT RAILROAD! SEPARATE ROOMS WITH TWO ENTRANCES. SECOND FLOOR WALK-UP. YEAR LEASE REQUIRED. FIRST AND LAST PLUS SECURITY. TOTAL OF $1155 MOVE-IN COST. THIS WILL NOT LAST. NO BROKERS PLEASE. Pray

June 15 2008 10:59am I have a cold and I feel really lazy. I also made the mistake of going ice skating a couple days ago, and my hips are killing me. My cold won't let that slide so easily, so it's hanging on to the ache as much as possible. -_- I've been sleeping a lot, and if I didn't have the stuffy, runny nose and the cough and stuff I'd assume I'm preggers or something. That'd suck. I don't think I am. Proof comes in about three days, and my stomach has been doing the normal 'Oh hey, don't forget, you're gunna BLEED soon!' warnings, so.. eh. My cough is clearing up, though =) Work has been slow and I've been planning to go see my parents and work tends to fall right then and there so.. I don't get much, but what I do get keeps me from leaving town for too long. Not like I want to at this point, but the last two weekends I was supposed to go up. Whatever. My birthday is coming up, and my dad wanted to go shopping, and he just got a new job so the real reason he wants to go shopping is just to have something to do with me around. New jobs equal stressy, and mom's driving him nuts with her new soap-making-and-selling excursion. She's unable to have a conversation without adding soap to it, but I have to admit she's doing a lot. Not only is it soap, but it's scrubs, foaming butters, bath fizzies, lotions, shea butter (did you know the organic kind can be edible?), lip balms, foot scrubs and facial scrubs. Freaking crapload. She intends to sell over at the big flea market in Delaware, and she'll probably do just fine. Kim's dating Hunter but Kim's mom isn't allowed to know, not like it'll ever hit her unless someone else evilly decides to let her in on the reality. I doubt her dad gives a shit but.. Drama, of 'course, ensued with Rick but we're all kind of ignoring it because his higher standards aren't typical in general reality and women don't make as much of a big deal about these things in general, really. He dated her for something like two weeks and still 'has feelings' for her. His relationships tend to be short, and he was a bit controlling and she had enough insight to let him go. He wanted to work over the problem showing he was controlling, but even in demanding that (never to her, since they'd broken up and he had to take it all in first) it would obviously never resolve. He needs someone to demand on him for a change. Had a dream last night I got mostly C's in my non-music classes except for Ear Training. My mom tore me a new one and I got really upset, so this is probably foresight to when I finally go up there. Figures. I'm not even transferring most of these classes down, if I get the bachelor's I intend to get, and I can choose to transfer in what I want rather than everything, as long as it's acceptable. I don't care. My music degree won't touch a Landscape Architecture degree, I know because I looked it up. No idea where I'm finally going to go for that but.. Yeah, the decision so far is this: remember way back when, when I said Kev can't make up his mind about schools? So far it's on Clemson, SC, and it'll be when I get my AA. When he goes to Clemson, I have to find somewhere to work full time to pay for being down there. Can't keep taking his money, and I'm sure my parents will touch in whenever I need them to (which hopefully won't be often, at that point, other than initially after I move since it's obviously going to be tight). We could always take the spring (since I finish in the fall off '09) and work, and work over the summer just to move in late summer before school starts. Gives me time to arrange the place, so he can go to class. When he finds a job, as permanent as possible after his degree, THEN I can go to school and do whatever. Can't, really, while I'm working, and if we don't stay in Clemson it's not worth trying to get my degree with night classes. There are some demanding courses, and that just won't fly. I'll see about joining the orchestra, and maybe taking some classes at night for enjoyment but that's just to chill out after working all day and will likely be audits. Speaking of SC, Kelly's getting married in August. What a horrid month, going down south in August for a wedding. Eesh. Still, it's what she wants, and she's cool so why not. I put up with going down for Casey's wedding (God forgive me on that one) and got over Sara's dress (she intelligently didn't ask me if I liked it lol), so I'll be fine going down to SC for Kelly. And it's not like it isn't hot up here in MD, so I should be able to handle it I guess. Pray

April 02 2008 08:34am I'm not preggers. April fools, again. Pray

April 01 2008 08:58am Yeah so.. come to find out, I'm.. pregnant, and ecstatic.. really. Whatever. Pray

Kittens! March 07 2008 02:17pm mood accomplished I'm watching a neighbor's cat because she hasn't the time or know-how to care for newborn kittens. I have no issue with this, and this morning between 11-12 she has had six kittens - two gray, two black and white, and two calico types. I think there are at least three males - on my average in experience, somewhere between 1/2-3/4 of newborn kittens are male, so this isn't abnormal. Kim's seen them. I'd take pictures, but for one.. I can't find my camera. For another, they're still messy (they're clean, but.. momma's tired, and the area she had 'em in is.. a bit.. unclean.) They are healthy, happy, hungry and all seven of them are exhausted. I have SO MUCH HOMEWORK to do, so on the side I'm going to be extremely busy, and then there're kittens. Wonderful. This should be fun. Pray

February 27 2008 06:14pm Same old shit. Gotta go to class, figure out I forgot my homework.. aagain.. go to work, fall asleep, forget the homework, go to class.. I miss Kev. I miss my free time. I miss my cats, but Tyler's a .. okay replacement. He makes me laugh a lot, at least. I'm tired of being tired, if that makes any sense. I had a hard time earlier following someone's speech patterns because it just didn't have the chance to register in my head. All I heard from her was a bunch of garbled noise, only catching a syllable or maybe a small word or two. I have a flighty lifestyle, though. I've conditioned myself to just move on in situations. When people bug me, I usually figure if I don't have the energy to argue back there's no point. It's been easy so far keeping friends, since the people I've met are so easy going and we haven't really had the need to overcome some huge obstacle. There are some people here I'd get over my ho-humness to keep friends with but.. For the most part, I see people like birds see rabbits or something: just someone else, who might eat my crap but probably won't cause they don't know how to get to it. Lol, I dunno. The majority of people I know are just.. there. They make me happy, and give me reason for going to school in the first place, but I've left out my deeper emotional attachment like I always do. Only a few are people I'll miss when I move. Oh and I will move, no lies on that statement. Pray

stuff, in random format. February 24 2008 09:53pm I still want to cry about Boo. I can't give her up, emotionally. I miss her so much.. and I know that drives Kev nuts but.. I just.. I can't. She was my girl.. Is my girl, actually. I refuse to believe she's dead. It makes a little bit of me die inside if I think that way. Saw Vantage Point a few minutes ago. It made me nauseas, and it reminded me of a TNT film. Take that how you will. And it didn't make me nauseas cause of the plot; rather, it was the filming style. Again. As usual. Damn you, Collateral.. Hunter appreciated her time out. I'm glad; so did I, but I gotta get up in the morning.. Damn science labs.. Violin kills my back. It pains me in multiple ways; I consider giving up now more than I ever have.. I never even thought about it until this year. Before it was an absurd notion but.. I don't know who I am without it. I just feel like something in my life is still missing, and I'm just an idiot for not noticing what it is. I feel like I'm holding Kev back.. I'm trying so hard to get out in time, to manage my classes and my job so he can get where he needs to be at. I don't even know what I want to do with my life, as far as work. I'm such a random wreck. Nothing has ever been too consistent, but then again what the hell? I hate it when people just get stuck in a rut and blame the rut for why they won't get out of it.. It's not because of my past experiences, dammit. It's just because I don't know what to do about the present, to inspire what we need in the future. I feel like I'm restricting him somehow, that I'm just in the way. I miss him, though. I haven't seen him since Thursday morning.. I'm used to waking up with him, eating breakfast with him, showering, messing with the cats.. getting into a small argument, maybe.. Trying to tell myself to make dinner for him when, haha, we aren't ever really hungry at the same time.. I want to be who I feel like I should be for him, but I've said that before.. and I know I'm wrong when I say it, so I don't know why I bother. Why should I be someone else? I want to improve, sure.. I just want it all to happen now, so I can be as awesome as ever and keep it up but.. I can't keep up new habits for anything. I still hate finishing my glasses of milk (no idea why), cleaning my cereal bowls or making eggs for breakfast. And why? He's.. impossible to describe. He puts up with me whenever I whine, whenever I turn him down for something, change his mind on what show we should watch, tell him to shut up the game just so I can sit in silence.. He's been taking care of my pets, my mice and my cats, despite the fact they aren't his (we won't get into how he's been claiming them, heh... it's cute, but in reality they're "mine" whenever they do something stupid =) and all while I go to work.. He sucks at doing laundry. He sucks at putting up with people who give him a hard time.. He sucks at taking classes with a teacher who drives him nuts. The city makes him drive like a maniac, and he's just a liiittle bit of a mooch. He eats like a pig, sweats like a pig and is always just so happy, sunny and warm in the mornings.. and he lets me cuddle with him when I wake up anyway, even if he's boiling.. And I don't feel like I can compare to that. God, I couldn't give him up though.. not for anything but.. I can't see why the awesome that is Kev puts up with the awesome that is Mel.. we're both awesome, but howcome we haven't.. I dunno.. killed each other yet? Mr. Gatto was talking to me about the Tchai. song Romeo and Juliet, that we're playing in orchestra.. and to put it in perspective, he told me I wasn't old enough to understand the intricacies of love and loss and how.. grand it all is. It was hard for him to speak at that point, to get what he wanted to say out of his mind (he's a guy, it's.. hard for guy-folk, Italian or not) but.. He asked me what I would do if I walked in a room and found him just dying on the floor. That thought really stuck out.. I have never been asked that before. I don't think I could move, honestly. I'd end up watching him die because my body wouldn't move. I'm such a great fiance, really.. Pray

February 20 2008 07:45am mood happy I'm worried Ruth will have an abortion. I can't see how decent.. or loving, human, intelligent, happy, life-living life-loving women can do that to themselves, unless they're physically unable to harbor the baby. But Ruth is.. My Ruth, so, I love her anyway, and.. I'll have to ..get over myself, I guess. Dammit. I have an iPod! It's 80gb, black, and currently trying to load shit on itself so.. Yay for that. Also got my Astronomy book, which is always a plus, since there's an exam tomorrow. I dunno what my classes'll be like but.. I don't care, so..Yeah. Pray

February 17 2008 08:22am Had a dream I had a baby.. Again. I need to stop having those, talking about babies.. etc.. Ruth is preggers, and apparently I've been called upon for help with the ordeal. My mom asked what that entails.. I dunno. I assume it'll be babysitting or something. She needs to not be in PA for that. The mice are happy. Smells like they need to be cleaned though. School is ..a..uh.. School. So yeah. Sushi is expensive when you pay for Rick's hibachi. And work is SO VERY TIRING. I'll prolly not post for two weeks because of it. Bleh. Pray

Valentines Day? Who needs it.. February 13 2008 09:44pm mood accomplished music 7 Days to the Wolves I don't like Valentines Day. I might an abrasive, invasive and overpowering type of personality.. I might be a bit egotistical, and center of attention, but not once would I say I loved my friends, my fiance, especially more one day than the next. We do have Mothers Day, Father's Day; we have Christmas, Halloween, Easter; St. Patty's, and whatever else you can come up with. Those are days you tend to pay more attention to people than other days. On Christmas, people celebrate what has come from a Christian celebration, twisting it into Pagan tradition, and gifting everyone by going almost completely broke, making and eating way too much food, and growing fat, lazy and tired. We take vacations, have parties, and then.. well, then there's New Years, a pointless day of celebrating a year gone to look forward to a new year. And we complain about Valentines Day generally because it's a fake, Hallmark Card Co. made-up holiday? We celebrate the Pagan day of the DEAD with our CHILDREN in cute but useless costumes. We're more adament about celebrating the dead, in a society that typically has no respect for their elders (generally speaking, don't quote me saying that some religious sects and people with a little more morality don't respect their grandparents, that's NOT MY POINT) yet spends $15,000 burying their mother.. We go through extremes to get drunk on a day that has meaning for the IRISH, all because 'oh, well, everyone has a little Irish in them'. We celebrate Thanksgiving but.. Wait, didn't most of us say we were Irish? Besides, since when were we so intrigued by the peace between one nation and another? I thought our standing on that was still a little fuzzy lately. Oh, casinos, how we adore your shiny since of literal pathetic decor. My point here is that our hearts are rarely in the correct place for any holiday. We get so wrung up for such self centered purposes, what's the harm in putting a little fake emotion in yet another holiday? If you want to complain about the merit of a day meant for love (despite the day's history and why it exists, fuck that.. who cares, I mean, it is what it is now.. does it matter how it was created?) then why aren't we re-evaluating every other holiday, or even every day of our lives to fit in a more logical and emotionally fulfilling way? I think the loathing of Valentines Day, now that I think about it, is a bit hypocritical and stone hearted. Pray

introspect February 11 2008 12:04am mood stupid life requirements.. I hate to think that part of life is making friends just to feel like you've lost them a year or two later. I hate thinking that, just when you think you've gotten somewhere with all of them, something happens so you're picked up and tossed somewhere else, just to start all over again. Religion, friends and school have been main topics. Pregnancies, joining the service and overall 'I'll do THIS with my life! (like it's a game to be played.. "Next time I'll do THIS!")' have been secondary main topics. I've decided I'm egotistical and proud, a center of attention individual with a submissive side when I want it and a controlling side when I don't notice myself.. I'm drained by things I can't identify yet, and every time I say I'm happy with my life it feels like something happens just to remind me it never lasts. Nothing has been traumatic lately. I'm not pregnant, I'm not lacking the typical nature of an engaged college student female with no real dreams of her future.. I'm so complacent and yet so.. activist in my response to things, my recent diagnosis of being contradictory just makes my biker-chick manly-side want to break down and cry. I believe I know everything that matters about myself - the rest is just there to keep things zesty, and therefore isn't really all that useful in the end - and I'm starting to think I've been very, very wrong. Why now I have this epiphany I don't know. I wish I did. I want to crawl back into my comfort, be told sweet things and live happily, ignoring all those inconvenient things that bittersweetly add flavor to my existance. Pray

February 08 2008 08:56am mood TIIIIIIIIIIRED late post. Livejournal loads funny.. It's all spazzy. Needs to not do that.. I haven't updated from a lack of will; I come on and check over things, but I never really have time to think about things and post them. I still don't; I overslept, and we all know how I love Theory so much more than Ear Training so.. naughty Melly. Being poked is evil. Being bopped on the nose is now, officially, worse than just pokes. Fuck. My mice got out, due to our human stupidity, and attacked by the cats. Nubby cared, Sam didn't.. Sam's pathetic like that. I caught all three, finishing about 5 days later.. They were thin, hungry, cold and two out of three were found in shock but.. alive, running on their wheel and eating happily now. I wanted to update periodically but I have too much going on. LIKE VIOLIN LESSONS. How 'bout that fact I haven't practiced...dfopgfdf...Fuuuck.. Had a dream I moved back to VA. Made some people happy, not really.. I lose interest in people that don't know how to keep in touch. Screw you. And I moved back into my old house..which is now an office for a church that installed itself in my pretty field nextdoor I used to play in when I was little.. I actually secretly kinda hate them. They ruined everything. My head kiiills. I'm going to shower maybe and go to class.. I guess. My current want? A large-storage-size MP3 player.. large, for me, being 30 GB or over. Anyone want to contribute? It calms my recent deeper insanities.. Damn radio. Pray

January 29 2008 05:38am Class started. For the most part I already know where I'm going, so.. I'm just tired, which sucks. Long couple days. Concert was.. okay Saturday, but hanging out with people was so much better. =) Cats knocked over the mice, and they sat, with the lid off, in the corner and huddled up together. It was precious.. All three survived. When it fell, and the cats couldn't see them anymore, they just gave up. Pretty retarded, really. lolz: 86% John Edwards 85% Chris Dodd 83% Hillary Clinton 81% Barack Obama 80% Dennis Kucinich 80% Bill Richardson 79% Joe Biden 78% Mike Gravel 48% Rudy Giuliani 42% John McCain 28% Mike Huckabee 27% Mitt Romney 22% Tom Tancredo 17% Ron Paul 16% Fred Thompson 2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz Pray

January 25 2008 12:02am I'm feeling like I want to talk about myself. I'm not comfortable with that, since I do talk about what comes to mind.. But not about MYSELF in the personal sense. Alex and I talk a lot more than I expected to end up talking to him from the beginning of last semester.. Rachel's got major plans for herself, literally and financially; Jake's looking for a new place to move out.. Hunter did move out, but she's claimed my couch in case something happens. School's gunna want 900 dollars just for tuition from me; books are more like $200. I'm peeved and self conscious about the concert.. I'm scared I'll hurt myself and not be able to play; I'd love to be able to watch, though. 1 Repent|Pray

January 23 2008 08:12pm Because I was so busy. Hurt my back again, so I slept a lot. Why did I hurt it again? I reached into an aquarium full of mice when it hit me again.. So now I have a big storage container full of holes, toilet paper tissue and other supplies for the three mice. I'll get pictures up soon, when I get my chores and schedule back to normal.. aaagain.. My back is going to need some work, so I'll be emailing the yoga instructor we'll have for the yoga class I'm taking.. So I have mice. They were free and we spent 10 dollars on supplies, which should last us for a while.. the food should last us for a month or two, and it was like.. 5 bucks. So, if anything, if they get out the cat's'll have something to do.. They're tame, which is good, and they are very curious, which is good.. and they do NOT stop with the wheel, which means they need to go in the game room either permanently or nightly depending. I might put them in the corner, on top of a chest where Nubby can't knock 'em over. The lid seals on, so I'm sure she can't get to them even if she rumbles the cage, which I hope she won't do. Currently she loves watching them, but we beat her ass last night so she hasn't been to interested since.. She knows she gets in trouble. THEY'RE SO CUTE. And I'm happy. Pray

post.. January 20 2008 09:07pm for lack of a better thing to do. I'm stressed. I pulled my rib muscles again in the shower so I'm unhappy. I drove home, but got lost, and so it took me a half an hour longer if not more. I just want something to get my mind off it, but I'm pretty bitchy so that prolly won't happen. I still want a hamster or something cute and fuzzy like that. Today was long. I don't even want to start, just no. Pray

January 18 2008 10:55am Pray

January 18 2008 10:24am mood greedy I used to help my parents breed animals. Puppies and kittens, yes, but we had horses at one point, goats at one point, birds at one point.. and an iguana named Watson. I'm so used to cycling through fluffy things. 5 kittens here, 4 puppies here, oh look 4 more kittens from the other mother.. 2 puppies now from this mother, etc etc. We caught wild baby birds that fell from nests in the front yard, took injured snakes to the 'Snake guy' that lived nearby. I even chased some quail every spring and summer. And now I have two cats. Two. Not.. ten. Not three adult cats, with two of them being mothers of 4-5 kittens each... Not a puppy and some kittens. Not even a mouse. Literally. I want something cute and fluffy. And small. To make up for my lack of kittens and puppies. I want something like a hamster or guinea pig, except I'm scared I'll lose him. Which sucks. And then they might get eaten. I could get a big ole rat.. I don't think the cat would ever attempt to eat a large rat.. But they have such ugly tails; I'd totally have to go from baby rat first. Which makes NO SENSE. I'm going to be busy with school in eleven days.. I DON'T NEED SMALL AND FUZZY.. Could I possibly take care of something caged (and put it somewhere?) I love my cats don't get me wrong. But it's in my blood to have small things around almost all the time. I can't STAND it. And if I tell myself I can't have small and fluffy, my female side yells at me going "Well BABIES make up for that!" NO BABIES. NO. NONONONO. No. But they are cute.. and so are mice. So there. I want a hamster.. Maybe if I think I can manage it through the semester, i.e. get through the semester and get through some of the summer, I can get one for my birthday?If I consistently want one for seven months, I'll go get it. Which means I should post every day, if I can, just to say whether or not I want one. Pray

January 17 2008 07:49pm mood owie I strained my right intercostals. Owie. It snowed today. That's.. really random. Yay, snow in Baltimore.. Paulie came to visit back on Monday, and he's going home Sunday. It's been an adventure. I'm so tired. I spent 160 on the bills for the med visit because.. um.. how many times do YOUR ribs start to hurt out of nowhere IN THE SHOWER?! I'm really drowsy since my schedule was screwed from falling asleep early yesterday from the stress/fear/muscle relaxers. We're getting sushi when my parents come down to pick him up. I LOVE that place. Mm! We prolly would have gone hiking if it didn't snow, if my ribs didn't hurt and if Rachel wasn't crazy-busy with things like her own medical issues.. So yeah. Nothing much else. I don't feel the need to rant/add loads of hate, so.. Whatever. I'm in a 'whatever' funk.. I don't like my bills, but whatever.. I want things to improve, but.. they won't immediately, so whatever. I don't wanna go to that concert on the 26th, but..what..ever.. Pray

figured I'd update January 11 2008 09:37am mood nauseated music lateralus, Tool I won't type much because I feel nauseas. I woke up at 3 last night, after 4 hours of sleep, rushed down to eat some cereal (naked, too, but I was fried under our new comforter so I figured I'd be fine). I'd been a little nauseas and shaky all day, but food never seemed to help. What woke me up was a headache: my first thing I can't resist, ever, is nausea.. the second is headaches. Third would be menstrual cramps, but we've been there before. After eating a bowl of Chex cereal and leaving the milk, I laid down to sleep, which didn't last long.. The headache was residing from my painkiller intake, but the nausea would explode every time I rolled over or even moved a leg or burped. At around 5 I threw up, which made me feel better but I'm still a little nauseas and the headache came back from the wretching. Enough of that. I'll get some Gatorade from the store before I go walk the boxers this morning. I have things to do and my puking was probably cause I ate a fruit fly by accident or something. Casey's wedding was nice, I guess. Everyone she knows is nice.. There's a lot of drama, but I don't think I'll ever forget that part. I didn't like how disorganized it was.. They gave me more authority than I probably deserved, but I learned my hate for Lilies in corsages through it, so at least I didn't come out empty handed. Davis and Amanda were happy to see me. I miss them.. I left a phone charger there. I also left some pants and my old combat boots somewhere.. I just miss my shamrock laces out of that catastrophe. I think they're at Casey's parent's home.. We're planning, in years to come, to breed small dogs. Yorkie type things. Not totally sure what, but it'll likely be a combination rather than a purebreed. Mom's ecstatic that we're into the idea and wants to keep the male. I'm cool with doing the puppy work, and Kev deserves a pet of his choosing ever since I've been all 'kitty kitty kitty kitty!' My gift for Kev for Christmas is taking forever, and since I got home I've been tired from all the stress, and then got sick yesterday, so it hasn't been a great success in the art department. I only have so much free time and come the 28th I'm not going to have hardly any. Dammit. Today or tomorrow I'll get my viola. Gotta tell Mr. Gatto that, and also that the check of my parents I intended to give him is now void; my parents switched banks. Figures. That's inconvenient on multiple levels for multiple people. I go see the rents Monday, and in the meantime take the kid home, so.. eh.. Sunday I'm going into the city to meet a lady at her home that wants Sabrina. Awesome. I have a lot of days off due to slow availability for work.. no one wants sitters in Jan, or really in Feb, but thankfully Anne is going somewhere from the 9th-23rd in Feb so as long as I keep things as inexpensive as possible I can make up for it next month.. later next month, but next month none the less. Pray

December 17 2007 12:42am I hate philosophical questions. I hate debates. I hate the idea that we have to argue so much. I hate how complicated everything.. everything has to be. I must be the most horrible woman alive. I believe that sometimes, usually not often but.. After three years, I still can't.. do what I want to do. I can't accomplish a sentiment that even remotely reflects what, or how much, I want it to. My visions of grandeur and perfection are swayed by my need to simplify, and.. above all, usually, my need to pay for it financially. I believe, overall, just as I believe humans were originally intended to be, that I am.. in general.. a person who doesn't wish harm upon others. I do not take delight in happy-fying everyone. I don't like happy masses.. I don't like partial happiness. I don't like that kind that withers away in a few days.. or hours. I also don't like that kind that exists only to mask whatever it is you want to forget, or run away from. Whatever that is, it tends to come back. So why is it, since I consistently act like I have answers to things, that I cannot accomplish ONE thing I want done. One. Why must my personal endeavors conflict with this? Why must my 'gut feeling' that I like so much now run in multiple directions, each conflicting with the last? Why is it so hard for me to make decisions any more, to .. if anything.. get on a path to getting what it is I truthfully and purely desire? I think taking a trip to NC here in a couple weeks will slow my mind down. I've been too fast, too impatient, too quick with decision-making and finalities.. I feel things, certain things not everything, so much more intensified as of late and.. I can't get it out, in a manner of speaking. I can't express it, or use it, or shape it the way I want to anymore. I can't do with it what I used to. The yearning, if you will, doesn't belong. It's like something is supposed to happen.. Something I'm supposed to start should happen, and it should be grand and marvelous and amazing. Like having my first baby, but different. Definitely like nursing something new, something delicate, into perfection but.. I don't think having a child is what it means. I suppose I could confuse those two ideas, the possibility and the yet unsolved ones I mean.. Why should I possess a feeling of such untold beauty, a sense of grace and compassion and irresistible, wonderful... something or another.,.. I don't feel like myself. I don't, but I do. I want to cry, and I want to be with fifty people at once, and I want to be with Kev.. and do other things.. I want to see friends I haven't in years, yet I don't.. I want to save the people I know now from the BS they are in the middle of, to fix everything.. to do SOMETHING with whatever inspiration I find I have yet... It's happened before. I'll probably lose it with my morning grogginess. I'll get up tomorrow and tell myself it was just me being tired, being full of caffeine, being horny and wishing I could procreate.. that stress and anticipation and gaming have all gotten to me, and I need to maybe not drink as much as I have (nothing heavy, but maybe it was badly timed?) and to check and make sure that the food I've eaten recently was healthy and/or sanitary.. That work, and my car troubles, and Christmas have all rolled into one ball of unexplainable disaster, and so, in responding to a situation I cannot control, I react in a way that my subconscious demands to keep my sanity, or to keep things in as good of an order as they can. I think my overconfidence and good knowledge of who I am and how things should be with me (which will be explained) confuses people. Knowing I'm good, bad, or indifferent with things is generally perceived differently depending on how one says each thing.. I, on the other hand, don't tend to believe I'm being underconfident or over-achieving.. rather, I just want a laugh out of things, to take something complicated and make it simple and fun and entertaining like Melly's usually like things.. I don't need to know how the world works, or how to complicatedly improve things, or anything like that.. I like knowing the world CAN work and people fuck it up.. and things wouldn't NEED improving of people would resort to not making a big fuss on how it works.. I want my friends, I want my food, I want my other half and I want my kids.. I want a garden, and a cute little house.. maybe a dog, maybe some cats.. I wanna get my Italian language correct, I want to play my music well.. I want to be able to express myself artistically, with a pen or pencil or paint or whatever.. without worrying about pissing off my landlord. I don't need to be a possessor of a couple million dollars. I don't want to change the world, which is understandably ignorant of me but.. I guess I'm wrong on that. I find myself too easily corruptible at this point, and I should work at one thing and move to the next as they progress.. my plans may change a lot, but the last thing I desire is power, or control, or to be related to it.. I think, if anything, if it works well, it'll be a small example setter to a seemingly small few.. but things branch out, and opportunities arise, and between it all.. why should I be looking at the big prize when there's so much in the way for it, so much to accomplish first before I'm rewarded with whatever large accomplishment of world-changing proportions? I mean.. why ignore what can be enjoyed and cherished just to spend the whole time being unhappy, unprepared and unsatisfied in the end? Everyone must make sacrifices these days.. They forget who they are in the process, what they originally wanted, what they could still do.. Right now all I want is to really know what I'm getting for Kev this year. Everything else seems so easy in comparison.. you know, like my Associates Degree.. Possibly cheaper than some stuff I end up finding for him, too.. I love him, and it feels exactly the way it did on the first day I got to see him after I figured it out. That feeling I couldn't explain? Simple definition of love, I guess, from my perspective. I just don't know what the hell to do with it.. Not when my body is so damn tired right now. 1 Repent|Pray

November 12 2007 05:24pm Classes this semester: MWF: Theory 10.10 - 11.05 Monday: Italian 5.45-8.40 T/Th: Ear Training 10.10-11.05; Voice 12.40-1.30 Next semester? MWF: Theory II 10.10 - 11.05; open slot T/TH: ET 10.10 - 11.05; Piano (omigod it CHANGED) 12.20 - 1.15 MYSO/Ensemble Sat's 1-4.30 Violin lessons for an hour, somewhere Pray

November 11 2007 10:12am Had DJ for over 4 years since this past Oct. Forgot to mention that earlier. Pray

November 11 2007 10:05am I wanna play Assassins Creed so bad. Work's going well. I'm going to write my resignation email to Bridget when I get home, then I should do homework before going to Kim's. I refuse to drive anymore than I can help today. Adopting out Blueness has shown improvement with the other two, and if we were allowed three cats then I would get a kitten but.. alas, we aren't, and therefore I cannot. I think the next pet I'd want would be when we're able to adopt a dog from somewhere, out of Kev's choosing. I probably wouldn't breed it, but breeding will show up sometime later on in life. Right now I'm too busy and we're not settled and getting to heavy into the animal thing is ridiculous. I'm going to work on a wishlist. Dad asked me what PS2 games I want.. I'm confused by this. I don't have a PS2... But yeah. Christmas. It's..coming up and.. people want lists. I don't usually get anything that's on the list, but whatever. I'll make one anyway. Otherwise, things are normal. I suck at foreign languages, kinda.. and music courses are sometimes my salvation, despite how tedious they can be. Pray

November 06 2007 10:53pm mood uncomfortable Now I just don't know what to think. I really hate just.. the whole day. I hate being awake and I can't sleep until 12.30 or so. And I have chores, which I'll never get to since I have to visit someone about Blueness tomorrow. Pray

November 06 2007 03:39pm Because I accidentally pinched his shoulders when I grabbed his coat and whirled him around because Kim was "attacking" me (for fun, since I do that sort of thing all the time in between classes), Kev got pissed and kicked me in the knee. Now, I wouldn't mind too much, except for one it still kinda feels weird due to the cold, for another I'm right on the edge of my period and so everything hurts ten times more, and finally because he gave me that angry face of loveless retaliation, which he gave me that one time he punched me on the shoulder and knocked me off a chair in his bedroom back in Windsor Mill. I told him I wouldn't put up with this shit. I'm not really sure what I want to do. He thinks I'm whining. I'm not kidding.. It's not like I meant to run up and attack the skin on his shoulders while I was playin' around with Kim and Alex, it just happened.. And in these instances he never seems to care enough to admit that maybe he was wrong, knowing that I understand I accidentally hurt him too.. he thinks, I guess, that I'm just not good enough to apologize to? That maybe if this is a sort of heart-breaking ordeal that he just doesn't care to notice that I'm obviously over-emotional or just reacting stupidly? That AGAIN I'm scared I might end up doing something we'd both look back on and regret? I didn't mean to do anything wrong.. Why'd he have to go and kick me? I'm not strong enough to keep outlasting his angry attacks, and if he thinks he needs a woman that can deal with instances like that.. he should go find one, I guess.. I obviously don't meet the demands in that criteria.. I'm just not good enough anymore. Pray

November 05 2007 10:26pm I'm giving Blueness away to the best person I can find. I was contacted by a woman who sounds wonderful, and to be fair I'm going to give her some 'free trial' time just to see if things work out. If they don't, I'll try again with someone else, but I don't want to keep giving her away and taking her back over and over.. It stresses her out and I feel bad enough about the situation as it is. Blueness is a wonderful girl. I love her, but it broke me pretty bad to lose The Boo. The change of structure has since screwed Blueness up, and she needs a better lifestyle than the one she's been left with lately. I tried to work things out, but it just isn't, and I am not faced with many options. I really, really hope this woman I'm talking to is as great as she sounds. I'll visit her sometime in the week and let her see the cat and how she responds with Karen (the woman interested). I had a fee of $40 (Craigslist only allows so much, and Blueness really shouldn't be sold for too much considering different things), but Karen wants to check for feline leukemia and such, so I want to wave the fee and pay the difference and let her do it, if I can. If not, I'll just.. do it myself, or something. She probably has more time, and it would give her more company time with the cat alone, so why not? Classes are going well. I must discover what song I want to do for voice still, but I have some ideas. Italian's almost over and we're coming up to the last tests and quizzes and reviews for the final. I really have no emotional or mental or physical complaints. I ran my side-view mirror into a pole, so I gotta go to DE so my parent's whoever-people get to fix it. I'm out for ANOTHER Sunday afternoon.. Samwise Gamgee and Nub-Nub are happy kitties though, and I'm happy they get along so well. I'll post up pics when I get enough of them to care about it. Pray

Haven't posted in a while. October 24 2007 07:32am mood sore throat Saw Nightwish nine days ago, and I gotta tell ya, despite my lack of posting, that I haven't been that excited in a very long time. The band was awesome, and they play with such passion. Chris came down with us, and we drove to the Jaxx in VA to see them. It was a pretty low-key type of thing, and if I really wanted to, I could have gone to meet the band before they played, but I figured they probably get enough of that as it is. I know they say they like fans, but their unpacking time took FOREVER, so why interrupt that? Otherwise I'm still swamped in the same ole classes. The records and reg. depart. tried to charge me fully for that history class I dropped. I had to kill two hours trying to get them to straighten things out, but that's nothing compared to the two weeks worth of hell and snippity-uppity-twitty bitches working behind their counter. I got an informal apology from someone in a position of power, despite how she was a bit barky with me when I first met her. I don't hold grudges after people apologize. My parents are planning a trip in April to FL. That's just bringing up a huge amount of weirdness for me, since she's also still ranting about us getting married and such. I had a dream last night she was diagnosed with something and had about 60 days left to live. It was one of those deals where living longer than that would have been a pure miracle. Due to that, I had to get married early just so she could be there, but somewhere in the middle of the dream I went back in time and used all my 1975 nickels, pennies and quarters to buy a huge stash of strange 1975-ish candies that my brain made up, like 'Fronkengel' or something, which was this cube about big enough to barely fit in my palm and it had layers of three gooey candy flavors. Mine was green, and on the inside was blue and pink, but I don't remember actually eating it. I did have one candy that I just kept rolling in my fingers and it dissipated, only to leave me with the ability to con people in to bad candy-making deals, which included me trading a plastic spoon for a handful of lollipop-goodies. I'm poor but I'm working where I can. I have a series of sleepovers coming up that span between now and Feb., but not consistently thank God... I'd love the money but I'd be unable to handle the rest of the work, like not being home AT ALL during the week. Got a concert coming up with the MYSO orchestra on Sunday at 3. I've invited everyone, whether I think they'd go or not, and dad'n'grandpa will be coming, and we'll prolly get Italian food later on. Anyways, I gotta walk a dog at 8, and he's about 20 minutes away, so.. Pray

September 24 2007 10:13pm 1. my myspace was hacked. Goodbye, myspace. 2. I. Am. Never. Online. Anymore. You must call me to get a hold of me. 3. When I'm home, I'm eating, sleeping or showering. Very little else happens otherwise. I have twelve credits this semester, but they take up just as much time as I can handle with trying to balance visiting my parents/grandfather, driving to Catonsville twice a week and trying to uphold the quality of my car and the health of my cats along with walking the Dachshunds. I honestly don't find Bridget, my second boss, to be very professional. She's considerate, however, and I keep working for her simply because I like my clientèle. Michele has kept me included the best she can and she's updating me with over-the-vacation jobs, which is nice of her. I could use all the help paying for gifts as I can get. My mom's hyperventilating over our upcoming wedding, which is almost a year-to-a year and four months away. I understand, but we may possibly change our minds and wait until we get our Associate's, which means, for me, it would be after the Spring (or Fall, depending on how things work out) of 2009. I'm late, eat me. On a related note, I have a list I'd prefer to keep in reach: Classes taken/finished/grade: Music Appreciation C (eat me, I was busy) (Fall 06) CJ 101 B 3 Credits (Fall 06) CINS 101 A 3 Credits (Fall 06 and Spring 07) Math 081 C (passed without final projects) 0 Credits (Fall 06) Math 082 C (ditto) 0 Credits (Spring 07) Eng 101 C (Again, I was busy, sorry.) 3 Credits (Fall 06) Eng 102 B 3 Credits (Spring 07) Hist 101 D (I had 19 credits and a shitload of stuff going on, YOU pass everything; will retake) (Spring 07) Violin Lessons I A 4 Credits (Spring 07) Socio 101 C (same semester as the failed History course..) 3 Credits (Spring 07) Total: 28 credits ( 2.68 GPA given I retook CINS and I failed History and C'ed a crapload.. ) Taking: Italian 101 3 credits Ear Training I 1 Credit Theory I 3 Credits Violin Lessons II 4 credits Voice Class 1 credit 12 credits Need: Math 083, 105, maybe 108 3-6 Creds; 3 semesters Science: Botany 101, Astronomy and Astronomy Lab 7-8 credits, 2 semesters Speech 101 3 creds, one semester PEFT 101 3 creds one semester Global, Historical and Cultural Perspectives: Holistic Health 101 (based on my other choices, I'm going with this one) 2 credits, one semester History 101: 3 credits, one semester Piano: 2 semesters, 2 credits Theory: 3 semesters, 9 credits Ear Training: 3 semesters, 3 credits Piano skills and musicianship: 1 credit, one semester Violin lessons: 4 credits each two semesters There's probably more, and there are probably changes, but I'm too tired to keep going. My financial aid and MYSO (orchestra) attendance issues (I still need to sign up for credit, because no one ever knows how to prepare for the semester, ESPECIALLY our music department) and the cats and erg.. I'm just so freaking out of it. Goodnight. Pray

September 11 2007 07:32pm Maybe this is asking too much, but . . I'm looking for inspiration and was wondering if there are any Seattle women out there who would be willing to share some of their goddess-energy with me, to put some spark in my day: I would really like to see your tits. I don’t want to be your boyfriend, significant other, etc. We shouldn't need to meet. Online is preferred, since I don’t want to compromise you in any way. I don’t want your phone number, address, . . . nothing. I don’t need to see your face, just your tits. I promise I won’t contact you or touch myself in any way. I’m not a pervert and I promise that I won’t try to phone you to whisper, “so, uh, what are you wearing right now?” because actually I’ll be looking at your tits and I’ll know that you’re not wearing anything. I’m really a pretty decent, respectful guy; and I want to see your tits. I’m not looking for you to “flash” me your tits; this isn't Friday. I don't have any gripes with Flash Friday, and applaud any woman who flashes for fun. But this is different. If you'll excuse the expression, this isn't about titillation; this isn’t about sex: If I wanted to see just any old tits, well, I’ve heard rumors that there might be some secret sites on the Internet where I could maybe find pictures of actual breasts. But I don’t want that. I want you. I want your attitude. Real woman. Real tits. Real attitude. I want to know that somewhere in this city there is a woman who knows about the power of her own tits and isn’t afraid of that power. What your tits look like really doesn’t matter. Big tits, small tits, round tits, sagging tits, pointy, pierced, painted, pristine, powdered, pert, perky or pendulous tits. Bring ‘em all. I don't care about your age (18+) or your ethnicity. Bring ‘em. I need your tits. Flat-chested? Great! Bring your tits, because do you really think I'm going to be inspired by the lobular glands hanging off your chest? Is that what I’m talking about? No, I need to see your attitude. I need your “happy tit” attitude. I need to know that there are women who want to shake their tits at the night sky and howl like a wolf. Can you feel the energy, just thinking about it?! You think America was built on the backs of immigrants? Wrong! America was built by immigrant women, on their backs, shagging like monkeys, making a new generation of Americans! And THAT’S what I’m talking about! The creative, life-sustaining power of women and their tits. I need some of that serious tit-mojo. They’re so fun! Like upside-down apple-bobbing with soft, warm apples. Tits make me so happy! Post-breastfeeding tits? Don’t you try to hide your tits away! You move straight to the front row! You are the Life-Giver! You create the future. You are a walking miracle! You are beyond beautiful! I need to see your life-giving happy tits. We should all be on our knees respecting your miraculous-mommy happy tits, rubbing them with perfumed oil. (I would volunteer for that; let me know.) Behind every great man, there’s a great woman, rubbing her tits on his back. And in front of every great woman, is a pair of tits. Two of ‘em. Two happy tits. Tits are everywhere, and yet certain cranky people in our society try to keep them locked up out of sight. Why? It's so clearly wrong. Tits bring people together, in a happy, friendly way. They’re always cuddly and fun. I don’t want some porn-industry, air-brushed, media-approved, silicone-infected, professional skin-jockey. I want you, and your real, happy, Seattle-Washington tits. Are you really going to let the failed moral standards of a repressive, patriarchal, Puritanical society stop you from showing me your tits? Think of the poor, sad Puritan pilgrim-woman, with her tits all bound up and hidden away. Are you going to let them get away with that?! No, you’re not! You’re going to laugh and smile and shake your tits in the face of The Man. (I would happily represent that Man if you had any symbolic civil disobedience planned. Let me know if I can help out.) You’re going to send me a picture of your happy, bouncy tits. The world needs your tit-energy! And you’re not going to listen to the sour-faced, self-appointed “feminists” who want to spread their toxic life-hatred (‘Our women are being manipulated and objectified as mere sex-objects . .” Piss off, bitch! Keep your twisted, frigid analysis to yourself.) Fuck ‘em! Fuck the bitter haters! They’re your tits! Your body! Your power! Tit power! It’s not Puritan-time anymore! It’s the twenty-first century, and you’re going to show me your tits not because you’re being manipulated, or because you’re a slut, or because you're being paid, but because you are FREE! FREEDOM!!!! It’s your choice, your body, and you can shake your tits like a wild woman! (Wild = untamed, free) Right here in the good ol' US of A! Land of the Free (free-swinging, enjoying-the-open-air tits), Home of the Brave (brave woman who is even now wondering how to operate her web-cam). O-o, say can you see my tits? (no, I can't because you haven't sent me the picture yet) But, you’re thinking, “I’m not the kind of woman who would show my tits to a stranger.” Yes, dear one, yes, you are, because today is the day where you declare your independence and take full ownership of your tits. You’re going to enter a new head-space. They’re your tits, and you can show them to whoever you want (today, that’d be me). I’m pleading with you. Don’t accept the lies. Don’t accept the mental shackles. I have a confession: I was actually born a nudist. Yes, it’s true. But then someone, without my permission, put clothes on me and brainwashed me to think that it was “normal” to wear clothes. Completely tweaked my head. And it’s so hard to live outside that mental prison. And someone did a head-job on you too. They made you think your tits are somehow “wrong”. In fact, there are actually laws that say your tits are “indecent”. Evil, repressive laws. Your tits are never wrong or bad. Your happy tits are always wonderful. Your tits are always life-positive, life-affirming! And you can do it! I have faith in you. You can show me your tits and you’ll feel great about yourself. Tits are everywhere! So good and happy and bouncy and fun! And there are tits in space now! Outerspace tits! But does NASA share? No, no they don’t, the uptight, small-minded bastards. Do they ever show pictures of happy tits in zero-g? No, they don't. Bastards. It would be so easy, and the world would be such a better place. I love it when a woman shows a little cleavage in public. It’s like saying, “I’m nurturing, playful, tender, caring, strong and sexy as hell. I am the life-creator. I love my tits and I love being a woman.” I really love that attitude! I need to see your spirit, your joie de vivre! (that's French for “happy tits”). “Million Man March”? Lame, lame, candy-ass lame. You want to see the world truly change? You want to see a revolution? Put a million bare-chested women down at the Washington Mall. Two Million Tits. The world would CHANGE! Love-centered! Life-affirming! Am I right or what? Your tits have power! You know they do! So, here's the deal: A) First, you should meet the following criteria. These are important, because the whole point of this is that I want to witness your real-time, in-the-moment, love of your wonderful womanhood and your bouncy goddess-given gifts: 1. you should have happy tits 2. you should be proud of your happy tits, and you should try to live up to the high ideals that your tits represent (love of self and others, life-positive, the future is important, etc.) 3. you should feel no shame about doing this. I want you to be happy and frickin' proud about being a woman and about your happy tits. You're doing this because YOU want to do it, because you know this is a liberating sacred gesture, because baring your breasts is an act of self-affirmation. And I want to bear witness. 4. you should live somewhere in or near Seattle (I want this to be real, I want to feel a connection; however, if you're in the Space Shuttle and you want to send me a picture of your happy tits in zero-g, that would be okay too. If the Space Needle is the best you can do, I would understand what you're trying to achieve, and I would appreciate it, really) 5. your happy tits should be unhampered, bra-less, free and easy, unashamed, proud and happy. but, whipped cream would be okay, as would cake frosting, chocolate syrup or most any other happy food. cold oatmeal or hospital food = not happy, not okay. got it? B) Second, take a picture of your happy tits. Close your eyes and think about what a miracle you are, about your potential as a woman. When you feel the self-love, when you feel your own power, when you truly feel that your tits are a force for Good in our world, snap the picture, and send it to me. C) Third, you will spend the rest of the day feeling happy, liberated and free. You're friends will ask you, "why are you smiling so much?" and you'll just smirk and stifle a laugh, but feel REALLY happy, ELATED even. I will spend the rest of the day with a big smile on my face, grinning like an idiot, touched by the joy-giving power of your happy tits. People will see us, each living our own private lives, being really happy, and will realize that life is actually pretty good, and then they'll feel happy too. And other people will be inspired by their happiness, and so on, and so on . . . and your happy tits could send shockwaves of happiness through the city. You have that power! All kidding aside, I truly love and respect women and I love their happy tits. Is that really so wrong? Tits are NOT sex organs, yet our whole society is afraid of them!! (“Mustn’t let children see them!!! Cover their eyes!!!”) What’s up with that! I mean seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??!!! The strongest metaphor for mother-goddess energy, and they’ve been banned as being indecent!! Huh??!! You think maybe it has something to do with keeping women down? Hmm? Maybe? So, send me a picture of your tits. Thanks in advance. You're wonderful! Be Proud! Pray

August 12 2007 10:53pm I dunno what to write. I don't have time or the energy to be putting things down lately. I have a lot of work to do in little time. I drive about Baltimore a lot, and I'm finding myself navigating the city more than I'd like. I still don't like being there, and I'd prefer not to go through it. I'm registered and paid up, er.. sorta.. for classes next semester. I'm amazingly behind and loving it, although I'm worried I can't keep up with Kevin and that, among other things, bothers me. I blame the messiness of our place (we moved to Middle River a few weeks ago and we haven't mastered keeping it totally clean yet.. or remotely clean, but it's livable. Minus the ants. Damn ants.) on whatever else goes wrong.. If I'm stressed I'll clean vigorously now. I hate cleaning, so.. cleaning.. is.. bad for Melly. I'm not the type. My parents moved in with my grandfather up in New Castle, DE., and we're an hour or so away from each other now. Mom'll have free time, so I'm semi scared she'll just randomly show. I know she wouldn't, often.. cause they have just one car. I wouldn't put it past her though. Being engaged means everyone wants to know what I want. I always saw weddings as these big, fancy ordeals with a big white and important-looking gown that over-perfects the woman, looking terribly, terribly clashy. No one was meant to wear an all white dress, despite how pure it looks. Then there's the makeup and the shoes and the shawl or hat or veil or whatever.. the gloves, the little suits, the little kids, the flowers, balloons or bubbles or butterflies or doves.. the pathetic music, annoying DJ and ho-hum finger food. If you step any of it up you'll end up paying a lot of money, and if you change things around people complain about the lack of cocktail-anything. I don't feel comfortable putting myself into that point of view. I want a cute little dress, flat little ballet shoes with NO HEEL, a little headband with flowers and pretty stuff. I don't want that "class". I don't want to trick people into thinking I am something I'm not, wasting money on things I don't like, mingling with people I don't know. I barely know my family and I've seen more of Kevin's as of late than I have my own. And my family hasn't really seen fit to invite me to their weddings lately, so I'm feeling evil enough not to invite them.. They'd argue they couldn't get a hold of me, or that I didn't keep in touch, that *I've* been too busy. Fuck that theory. I'm too tired and too busy and too hard working to go with that bullshit. I have a number. USE it. I want pies and cakes and cute little cookies. I want living flowers that people could take home with them. Bright ones, like yellow and orange and pink ones.. I want a white cake with rose petals on it, maybe designed with the basket-weave my mom's attempting to do. I want all desserts home-made, and I'll do some of it myself. I don't want cocktail shrimp. I want a nice fruit salad with a tasty dip, some veggies and things on skewers and no ham sandwhiches in those puffy rolls. I don't want to play Pachebel's Canon, or use an organ. I don't want to take five hours putting my makeup on. I DO want to take forever with my hair, which I'm growing out and preserving for next year. I don't mind getting married next October, or where it is, or who does it, or who holds the reception and where it is.. I don't want to attempt using a Catholic priest or have a big ceremoniously annoying event trying to get a pastor. I don't want a great long speech; I want the man of God to admit he finds that God wanted us together, that we've been the best of friends since we met, and that we're more than sure of ourselves that we can handle the next 50-however many years together. I basically just want to walk up, have everyone understand that we love one another, as fucking sappy and heart wrenching as it is, get ring-ed, get kissed and get stuffed. It's about us, sure.. but I want people there. I want to have a good time. I want a drink or two, and some lively music, and to watch people dance around like morons. I don't want some idiot playing the Chicken polka. I'm not playing anything I don't like.. or eating anything I don't like, or decorating with anything I don't like..wearing anything. And I still reserve the right to turn you down at the door if you are improperly dressed. I will attempt to post a doorman, to make sure that rude people in jeans, or wearing black shirts or dresses, or in work clothes.. that they shall not come, and will have to change and return, or hope I'm feeling euphoric enough to let them in my damn reception. I invited them and I expect manners. I don't see how this is so hard. It's a fucking celebration, people. Someone hooked me in EARLY. Our parents got along immediately.. they live in separate states and neither of them drive down too often to annoy us. We aren't planning childhood early. We aren't jumping the damn gun. We aren't here to bore the living hell out of everyone. Why the hell would I want my wedding to bore people? I mean, jeeze.. I didn't get this far with him for my perfect day to make everyone feel nauseas. Bad wedding vows, the electric slide and nasty ham sandwiches cause nausea. We'll avoid that as much as possible. I think we're clearer than we were before. I'm still emotional from the pills. I'm alone tonight, which I'm okay with.I just have a total of ... 52 hours of work? I won't be sleeping at home at all from Weds. to the following Weds., and I hate the dogs I'll be with. Sorry.. 59. Granted, 32 of it is sleep but I get up at 6 and I'm not comfortable at that house, despite logic. On one hand, this week I make 420 on 27 hours of actual labor.. That's 15.55 dollars an hour.. Unless I'm too tired to count.. I slept over a lady's house to be with her great dane 7 month old puppy while she took her mother to Niagra Falls. That was an amazingly odd experience, and I'm very sore and tired and worn out.. I never ran so hard. He's so innocent, but so big and clumsy. I got very little sleep last night due to the oddness of the situation. I had the warning of a day about the dog.. The original people who were going to stay flaked out, so at 6 the day before I was called to meet up with her in an hour and a half. An hour and a fucking half. And I accepted cause 50 bucks is nice. From the 8th to the 25th, I should have grossed 900 dollars. I have gas, which I'm taking out a good 100 for. There's also food, which I take out 40 a week. I also had an oil change. Big deal. That leaves me with $700. Even if I take out $150 for gas, I still get 650. I can pay my rent, and most of my power bill. I may be able to pay the cell. I've never been able to do that much on my own before. I'm going to stretch it all out as much as possible due to having to buy books and such.. Maestro will be mad, since a cat peed on my red violin book. I will tell him when he calls me to set up a day in which I'll be able to take lessons. My only problem now is our computer dependency. I'm trying not to play games anymore.. It takes up so much time. We have so much stuff to do otherwise, and I feel like I could spend time with Kev a lot easier.. if only just watching a movie that we still haven't unpacked, I'm okay with that.. But I feel bad saying that, since he's such a nerd. I go on binges but.. I dunno. It just.. bugs me. We're college students. We're planning on getting married. I don't want to be one of those annoying people who got married and incorporated our completely digital gaming life into our time together, rotting our brains while we ignore the two year old I obsessed over and since made an avatar out of. I find it a sense of childhoodness.. of teenage years that we're essentially leaving behind as engaged individuals. I always classified adulthood as being able to get married and stay married.. I don't keep intense gaming, at a large amount, as a factor in any of this. I want to dumb it down a little. We have way, way too much else to do, and we don't feel like doing it cause games are so at the ready. It's such a hard thing to admit but.. I did. Pray

August 03 2007 02:44pm I'm still alive. And busy. And tired. Pray

July 22 2007 06:43pm Some of you I usually exempt from this but.. I seriously don't feel like half the people i have as 'friends' in here actually are.. I'm not saying gimme a message to resolve my petty problems but we're all busy people and it isn't beyond most of you to call me. I'd try to call some of you (people like.. I dunno, my cousins don't count. .. I went how long without talking to them anyway? I'm not heartbroken if I go a week without saying hi to Matt or something) I do, however, know that there are some that flatout don't really care about calling me at least to say hi and see how things are.. I used to jump on a good excuse to call you guys ( I really miss it ) and it kinda hurts that now that I've been too busy to say hi for the last few months you guys won't even bother to leave a message. I mean, common, we all know how I love leaving messages.. I'd like to get them, too. I'm getting to the point where some of my 'childhood' friends are just gunna have to go their separate ways from me or something.. I don't have the energy for this. And if you end up responding to this wondering if I mean you, I probably don't, because the people who actually pay attention anymore aren't those I'm talking about. I know I'm not an emotional or whiny person, but I just want to know where some of you went, yanno? I lose time enough to not call for a while and you forget about me? common.. I had a whole birthday where VERY few of my old friends said a damn thing. All my newer ones did because they actually had the heart to keep in touch. So yeah, I'm feeling a bit burned. Pray

July 22 2007 02:47pm [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<s5hit">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <Danelope> I'm trying to set a password, and they're telling me it's invalid. <Danelope> Because it can be "derived from another word". <harb> Yeah. <harb> It's just calling to passwd, I bet. <Danelope> They're forcing you to use randomized passwords. <Danelope> That's fucking retarded. Especially for an FTP-only account. <harb> Heh. <Danelope> "Duhhh. You're creating an FTP-only account with its home limited to a single non-primary folder on the Web server! Let's give you shit about a password!" <Danelope> "Duhhh! There's absolutely no way this information can be used to compromise the system! But we'll still harass you here!" <homeslice> Make it "Dr3amh0stsu|<s5hit" <Danelope> "Sorry, that password can be derived from 'dreamhostsucksshit', which is a common password." <bleak> ablsh vwls! vwls r spm! <bleak> t's wll knwn fct tht vwls s t mch bndwdth <Alanna> bleak: OMG, for a moment there I thought that you had learned Welsh <fo_eva_pimpin> WHITE POWER. FUK BLACK NIGGARS. IM FUKEN WHITE. <xenogenesis> That's nice, dear. <fo_eva_pimpin> SHUT UP YU STUPID BITCHHORE YO MOMMA CAN SUK MY COK <xenogenesis>...Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Do you see the injustice here? The accused claims to be of caucasian "pigment", if you will. However, whilst claiming to be of this race, he is attempting to sound "homie" or "black". An immediate contradiction. <fo_eva_pimpin> FUK YU STUPID BITCH. IM FUKEN BLACK. <xenogenesis> Opposition rests. <Niva> I bet whoever invented Jello did so because he had a lot of friends who did acid, and really wanted to fuck with them. <Niva> "Hey, Matt, pour me a glass of water." <Niva> "Sure man, I- HOLY SHIT!" <Andolph> And just to tease them, they stuck all kinds of stuff like doll heads and legs inside the jello <Niva> Dude, this water isn't pouring? <Niva> "What are you talking about? You're getting it all over the floor!" "IT'S STILL IN THE PITCHER, MAN!!!" Pray

July 13 2007 08:36pm I really don't like the Cardigans. I spent a week in NY which left me a bit sore, with two slowly healing blisters and a really sore back. We're moving to Middle River starting next Friday and I'm roping in as many people as I can get for the move, since we're only with one car. So far I have PJ, and he'll be of great help. Tomorrow is my birthday. I got some coffee mixes in packets of assorted flavors, a big sheet of TJ's chocolate, some chocolate covered raspberry thingies, a little violin in a tiny little case, my 800 dollar refund for my car when I did the intake manifold a while back, a beer, sirloin steak and yummy cake. I got home at 11.30, and fell asleep at 1.20 AM, and went to work at which I arrived 10-15 minutes later than I left, which was like.. 8.05 AM. Ow. I also went back to sleep when I returned back at 9 AM. Owie. I also got a back rub and I have presents coming to me tomorrow from Kevin =) I have an infestation of black little gnat type flies, but I don't want to spray or anything due to the fact that most of my plants are oregano or jalapeno and banana peppers, etc., so pesticides = bad and I refuse to bother. I did re-pot twice, much to my dismay on the results. Pray

June 24 2007 06:24pm mood bossy New Melly-rules: 1. The brides maids will NOT be wearing weird colors or look like walking cake icing. I will not have them wear something that looks hideous. Hell, some may be men. I can't really say WHAT I'll do, but if it's a dress well.. hunny, it'll look damn good on you. 2. I will not look like a cake topper. No frilly shit. No glitter. None of that taffeta stuff with the bunching and the poofing. No Cinderella-esque look. 3. Melly will NOT wear anything strapless. It will NOT be held up by hopes and wishes. I WILL have straps. I will not present myself as a two-bit whore. 4. I don't want a SHINY bleach-tooth-white dress. God forbid if it didn't glow like a white shirt under a blacklight, or something. I can't believe some women these days.. Wtf? 5. I will not wear heels that I did not test MONTHS ago to make sure I can keep up in them. I will not spend more than 40 dollars a pair. I will start tall and work my way down. I may wear slippers if I feel it appropriate, but I'm not used to walking in them. I'd rather have a heel, honestly. I like things with straps.. They stay and I don't fall on my ass from them. Again I say, I WILL wear them BEFORE the wedding. I will do so on days I don't want to go out. I will stay in and do EVERY DAY chores in them. If I can do that, I can dance and drink in them. 6. I will NOT get drunk. I will drink. I will have cocktails and spiked punch and good drinks. I will also have family that'll get drunk. I'm okay with this. 7. I will not have a 50 foot train. I may decide to not have it come to the floor anyway. I may, gasp, wear a dress that shows my feet. It'll make my work for the heels a hell of a lot more sensible. And, come on, you don't think I won't finish my reception bare foot do you? I'm not shy. 8. Mel will have a manicure and pedicure done. Mel will have professional makeup. Mel will NOT be lied to about this. 9. Mel WILL have good food. I must restate my need for good food. GOOD. FOOD. Good God women of this era, WHY CAN'T YOU ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING BETTER THAN COLD SHRIMP?! 10. The men will NOT be caught wearing anything other than a suit like item unless their mental capabilities don't span that far. I will also NOT agree to have a woman at my wedding in jeans, khakis, or wearing black. Black pants, maybe, but you damn well better be wearing some color on top and have some NOT BLACK jewelry on. Preferably, wear colored heels, too. I will not settle for something I find rude.. I can't stand that people "accept" the idea of wearing black dresses to a loved ones/friends/whoever's wedding. You don't like her? DON'T FUCKING GO. I will kick you out, and I do have people who will help me, dammit. 11. If I didn't invite you, and don't talk to you, and you don't call me, don't assume I hate you. If you call, and I don't invite you even though we talked, I probably dislike you. If you call and I seriously ignore your dumb ass, I can't stand you and you haven't hells chance to get in. 12. ALL shall have fun in understanding Chris will probably be in charge of my music. 13. All shall get used to the idea of men cross dressing at my wedding. Just..accept it and move on. Yes, Chris is a brides maid, WHAT OF IT, BITCH?! Pray

Surprise! June 24 2007 05:37pm mood happy music Dracula -- Gorrilaz I'm going to try posting this again, if not as detailed as I did last time. My shortcut-back button ate it.. stupid keyboard. A couple months ago, I got a package. I didn't get to open it, as when I entered the room Kevin took it. We argued lightly over it.. He said he bought it and it was accidentally sent in my name, as the last few things he bought were for me. I figured it was mine, so give it, but he countered with a 'but it's a surprise that has to wait' attack, and I failed. He also bugged me by promising we could go out and, when I went to get ready, changed his mind in mid-preparation. We never go out, officially, and my excitement was deranged into a fit of silent anger, only to be unleashed when he 'made the suggestion' to stay in a few weeks later. We ended up seeing Shrek 3, which made me happy and I figured he had made up the previous mistake. I can't be too hard on him, after all, so I thought, so I forgot about the instance enough to keep picking on him. I wasn't emotionally bothered by it anymore. Instead, he tells me we're going out this past Thursday. I've been working as an independent contractor for Michele, a woman in Owings Mills. I drive about to different places, depending on my clients, and walk/feed/play/watch/care for their pets for different alloted amounts of time between 15 minutes and overnights. I could even do errands and such, but I need to finish registration, inspection and have my parents quit messing with the insurance so I'll be legal. So far I can't involve transportation other than getting myself to their houses. Anyway, I took off on Thursday. No biggie, I only have an 8 am client anyway which I didn't get until Wednesday. He wanted me free at least by three, and after my nap I was free after 11. We tried the zoo, but the morons directing traffic due to whatever construction issues they had going. I left, ended up going home momentarily before dinner. Dinner was at Little Italy, near the Inner Harbor of Baltimore City. Not so bad there, actually. I wore my white heels, my white dress with the greenish flowers and leaves in a big pattern (not hideous.. I'll picture it for you if anyone wants), a chokerish necklace and no bra. Fully shaved (doesn't happen often), hair blow dried and no makeup.. Kev doesn't like makeup for multiple reasons and, for the most part, I'm okay with it, definitely when he's taking me out. It was a cozy Italian restaurant that I really liked but picked on just a little just because I do that sometimes.. Kev had promised me I would get my surprise that day -- the one that came in for me which was, to note, not much bigger than an average man's hand, and wouldn't even really fit a cd in its case, let alone much else. I speculated over it for a while, and eventually became jokingly creative about it.. It entertained Kevin. I went from earrings to necklaces to bracelets to concert tickets to Anna Nicole Smith's dead ear. Or both her ears. Or maybe part of her cheek, a breast or the back of her left knee. It made him laugh and so I enjoyed not knowing what it was more than being reminded on Thursday that I was to get it.. Another noteworthy thing was that Kev decided to mess with me by leaving the contents of the small package in a bag of Halls next to my bed, within arm's reach of me. I didn't have a sore throat, so I didn't care that, for some reason, there were cough drops next to my bed. We decided to share one 40 dollar meal for the reasons that it sounded yummy to us both, it would probably feed us both since we were ordering an Italian meal, and it was expensive. I didn't want to be too much of an ass, since our income has pretty much been shared since he moved in. He left to get his gift for me -- which then reminded me I was getting it -- and I sat anticipating it. I thought it was a bracelet, I really did. When he returned about five minutes later, he had a violin case in his hand. I was ecstatic, I won't lie.. Why a violin case? I informed him he was wrong: "But my present came in such a SMALL package!" I exclaimed, forgetting that other people apparently liked eating Italian food as well as I. I inspected thoroughly, opened, and inspected, and discovered things. The humidifier, the gauge of moisture levels, the compactness that would hug my instrument like a big soft pillow. I didn't notice what else was going on around me. I marveled over the new toy for several moments. Until I found something out of place, which I plucked off and got stuck to me from the tape used to place on the bed of the case. I noted the idea it was a ring, and it looked dark from the low lighting. A common sense thought went through, but my silly I just got a present! side went 'Nah, it's just a present, it isn't going to be what it could..' Until I looked over to find him on the floor, staring up at me with those overly pretty eyes of his. (I envy his pretty eyes, I really do, the bastard. :D ) He didn't speech me. He didn't remind me the food that had been served was getting cold. He didn't give me the 'I've been living with you this long and you're awesome and I love you' shit. He just simply proposed, with confidence and patience and a definite understanding that I would never say no, although he admitted later that he would have cried if I said no. I had little reluctance. I smiled all nice and big and said yes and freaked out and put the ring on myself, on the wrong hand, because I didn't care enough to pay that much attention. For reference, it's a Tungsten, kinda like this one since I'm too lazy to upload pics right now, and it's indestructible. We ate, we walked outside at the harbour at watched the weirdo sunset up against all the buildings. I was too happy to care I was walking the city in heels, and that he lost his good dress shoes, and that I needed to get up at 7.30 the next morning. The next day, after my nap which I ritually take after work until I get used to the idea of getting up (getting drunk two nights in a row didn't help, heh), we went out to Catonsville and he bought me a brand new violin which sounds GORGEOUS. I love it, and I keep waking up and forgetting I have it, like everything is still in dream mode and not real life. I can't forget he proposed, since the ring is always on my hand but.. still, it's..surprising. Mom nearly spilled the beans, and she was so insistent that I pay attention to him that I had a need to joke about Kev possibly proposing Thursday. Since I joked, I didn't expect it. Silly me. And no, there are no general plans yet. I want something small, with good homemade food and a homemade cake. I want an elegant dress that shows class, not my cleavage, and is made out of something other than that shiny shitty material they use now. I might grow my hair out between September and the wedding so I can style it. I'm going on birth control, mostly for my bad periods and partially for my consistent acne, and not because I'm sleeping with him yet, so don't think I'm a general whore. I will when I'm ready, dammit. And I already know some people I won't invite, flat out, and I have no idea where I want to go for it. Maybe we'll go to NY, since it's still more home to Kev than MD or NC or VA or DE or NJ are to me. 2 Repents|Pray

June 24 2007 05:36pm I love Casey and all, but I x posted this in Mock the Stupid on LJ just now, so... yar. I used to live in North Carolina. I spent two years in the country and two years in the Outer Banks. I know I know, the beach is great and it must have been wonderful, right? Well, it was, but the people.. oh, Jesus the people.. There are multiple islands, and some require bridges like this one to get from one place to another. Some didn't. It all depended on where you wanted to go, obviously. Most people didn't even bother with the Bonner Bridge which led from Roanoke Island to Hatteras Island. Most people didn't even bother to realize there was one main road for more than 60 miles, and if you included the ferry,..well.. that main road just kept going. And I used to work at an ice cream store located ON the main road. It wasn't like there was anywhere else to go. I say this because it came with stupid questions, such as: where is the beach? It's an ISLAND. The area that was above water couldn't be any wider than an eighth of a mile at some points. One could STAND on a dune and find both sides of it (and sometimes three). Where's the ferry to get back onto Roanoke Island? (There's no bridge, I swear!) Hatteras Island and Ocracoke are connected by way of ferry, which then could take you to multiple other places from there via ferry. Both islands have a lighthouse, and both were asked questions such as: So, do they turn the light out at night? How many candles does it take? How many people do you hire to spin the light? Does the guy spinning the light stay there ALL the way until dawn, or is it just until we're asleep? Do they turn it off during the day? And, naturally, the usual: Has anyone jumped off a lighthouse? Of course, I also lived in the country. We were there during hurricane Isabel, at which point people could tell time better by referring to which hurricane had recently come by than remembering what year it actually was. We had miles of farmland, which was pretty for the first ten minutes I was there. My friend lived in a huge farmhouse, which always reminded me of something far away rather than the boring hole we lived in. It had a grand entrance with nice tall bushes and fir trees and such. The driveway had a line of birches and other easily burnable trees on both sides, which were strategically not grown too close to the house for obvious reasons. Isabel hit in September and annihilated the Outer Banks, which I moved to a couple years later. It took out the power in the country for a couple weeks, and made our lives miserable. That isn't the point. Later, in January of 2004, my friend's birthday was within the first couple weeks. She hated the place as much as I did and had friends she left behind from some of the cities in Virginia. They came down, and we all had a good setup going.. There was a mystery party, good food (with her mother that was a great surprise in of itself) and all out just a good group. At one in the morning, her mother, being the bright one, decided to play capture the flag. We weren't exactly girly-girl types, and we'd have loved nothing better than tromping outside. Multiple trees had fallen, and they were fully grown. They'd sat since September to dry out in the yard. They dragged them into two piles sometime around October and left them to sit there. They never rotted, were never removed, and were base of consideration for this party. Somewhere around 25-50 feet away from the house, where the closest tree was, was a pile of dead things. Smelled good, for a while. The pile must have been 8 feet high. Her mother, whom shall remain nameless, set a candle on one of the larger limbs, only to have everyone run outside in horror when the whole dried out winter lawn caught on fire and began spreading toward the house. Each and every individual began taking whatever container they could find and began filling it however they could. No one thought of calling the fire department out of assumption they'd just show up.. No one remembered that North Carolina is FULL of bonfires and no one could care less when they see a 15 foot flame licking the 2 am sky. And yes, the stupid hose was frozen. Her older brother, there out of whatever reason (we hated him, and I won't go into his "If we were all just smarter we could drive our cars around at 90 miles an hour through country streets, so long as we actually obey the law" theory), began running toward the fire in hopes of beating it out with a shovel. I'll restate the size: it was around the size of a school bus, give or take a little length for width, and it began burning the tree it was near, which had it's lowest branch about 15 feet above the ground. That summer, her husband, who claimed himself the intelligent one after his wife nearly burned down a really nice house, was starting up the barbeque. I'm not sure how much lighter fluid he used, but he ran into the kitchen with a frantically disheveled look, shrieking and screaming, wailing a panicked "IS THERE ANY HAIR LEFT ON MY FACE?! DO I STILL HAVE EYEBROWS?! ARE MY EYE LASHES STILL ATTACHED?!" before he darted further into the house to find his wife. Indeed, he didn't grow any facial hair for days, and he only had half of one eyelid full of lashes. We didn't let them near fire until I moved away. I haven't checked, so I don't know if they're still alive anymore. Pray

June 18 2007 06:23pm I dunno why I'm updating. I'm not exactly done with my amazingly busy schedule and I usually wait until things calm down. My periods (skip this paragraph if it bugs you, I don't care) have gotten worse BEFORE they start. I get bad cramping out of random, and I usually end up doubling over and clenching my gut in pain. Foods of any type don't assist this, and naproxen sodium does nothing, really. It woke me up at 3 am. I'm really hoping I qualify for birth control pills and that they help me out. I might be able to get some in about three weeks. Working for Michele is fun but I wanna refrain from (there goes my stomach again.. it goes from my ovaries straight through my girlie-hole and feels like I'm getting squeezed really hard or something. Cramps SUCK..) Okay anyway.. I wanna refrain from having to get up early in the morning and get in so late at night. I don't have time to unwind and I've been wanting to spend time with Kev but.. at the same time, all I want to do is gorge food and sleep. In between that, I read and space out to games to unwind easier, since I don't have the energy for er..what I wanted to do. Ruth came back. I missed her muchness.. she may not have liked the whole group experience I had last semester with everyone. I think she would like Jess though.. They met, but they didn't get the chance to talk much, and they're relatively similar. Both are cute, and clumsy, and like to be the leader as well as the center of attention. I think they would've eaten each other alive, but it woulda been worth the evening spent. Sneezing fixed my cramp. It came back five seconds later, but it seemed to kinda scare it. Note to self: don't like mushrooms. Love eating 'em, come to find out.. Don't love digesting them. And I'm too spacey to give a crap anymore. Tootles! Pray

Update June 04 2007 11:36am mood busy but happy music Haunted -- Evanesscence Because my titles are always so intriguing. I've given up on a few friends, mainly online, due to the fact I really have better things to do and better people to talk to *face to face* so.. I won't mention names, because I'm not mad at them, but I probably have discontinued contact with them. A certain person I do feel a bit neglected from as I have tried to be as nice and as friendly and as helpful as I could to her, and she couldn't have shown anymore appreciation than a stone statue would to its maker, so screw her. I've also begun re-contemplating certain things that involve Kevin, but I can't say much more on that. All good things.. I'm not saying I am not sure I want to be with him anymore or anything, just certain details that fall in with the relationship, rather. My new Lumina is something I approve of despite my usual mechanics and their dislike. They like Hondas.. Screw Chris and his Hondas. I'm going to get some Turtle Wax, and some rags, and windshield wipers, and Windex, and I'm going to clean the damn car at some point in the near future. I also need to replace tires, take it to Fox Chevrolet and go via warranty for a tune up and a check to see why my fuel gauge doesn't want to respond well. It's a car I want to take care of -- as opposed to the VW I just rid myself of, thank God -- and I want the stupid gas gauge to actually work. I'm also going to inquire about a dentist, a gynecologist and a regular check-up type doctor. The latter doesn't interest me as much as the first two do, and I have gotten to the point where I would prefer to be on the pill for medical reasons. Not for Kevin. I'll prioritize him into things later, when I feel like it, despite whether or not he feels neglected sexually. I also got two new kitties two nights ago. I met a woman in Petsmart who was covered in cat scratches. She's allergic, but she took them in anyway due to them having been abandoned near the dumpster. She got a purebred Doberman puppy, though, and she wants to put her full attention into him rather than in the kittens. They're seven months old, neutered and spayed, and GORGEOUS. Male and female, Elliot and Alivia, but we're renaming them. I may rename just Alivia because Elliot knows his name all ready and cats don't adjust like dogs do. My parents don't know, either. I'll tell them next month or something. So I need two cat crates. I want to sneak my kittens in to whatever apartment complex I'm in and it's hard with four cat crates. I may have to be cunning about this but whatever. Speaking of, we're going to look at apartment complexes in Essex on Thursday. I would today but I've driven a lot lately as it is and I have to get a drug test, go to the auto parts store, the Gyno, and the grocers so.. No, I'm not going to freaking Essex today. Pray

June 01 2007 12:16pm mood happy Books two and three of the Dresden Files series just came in a couple minutes ago. Huzzah! Pray

June 01 2007 12:03pm You scored as Wolf, You are the Wolf. When you are with someone, your allegience never falters. Your family is very important to you and you will protect that family with all you have, no matter what. Wolf 92% Snake 83% Bull 83% Eagle 75% Stag 75% Ram 75% Bear 67% Dog 67% Deer 58% Crow 58% Dragon 58% Fox 58% Horse 58% Salmon 50% Which animal totem best suits you? created with QuizFarm.com The last one's really accurate, to tell you the truth, except I'm a bit better at handling my money.. I don't have qualms about spending little bits at a time though, sadly.. I really haven't anything to say that's differed from before. I had a get together barbeque thing, but I didn't invite a lot of people due to expense and a lack of will to clean up my apartment. I wanted a few more people to show but I know it would've just been too much.. I'll have to go visit those people to make up for it. We're probably moving to Essex. I say that with 90% assuredness.. My program is over there, so, yeah. I also have finished up my finalization crap with being an independent contractor under Michele, working for her dog-sitting/walking/watching business thingie. Much driving, but I do get paid. Speaking of driving, I'm getting my car Monday. Over all, this week was better than last week. I have a tan, sorta.. from going to Six Flags, NJ. It was fun but it's too hot to go to the park anymore.. I get tired and stuff from the sunlight, and I was nauseas all the damn time from eating too many weird foods.. 1 Repent|Pray

May 27 2007 12:00am mood blah I'll open with the statement of me still being relatively depressed, although I'm not destructive about it anymore. I'm tired, and I'm full and my bladder hurts from being too full earlier.. I'm stuck trying to fix car problems, housing issues and working issues all at once.. I went from having to listen to my family and their problems to having the same ones myself and there never was that sweet lull inbetween where life seems to be perfect.. There was always that need to escape with no realization of what it's like to control one's own life. Which is fine, since I grew up with it. I don't want the martyr complex or anything, but I'm just saying that I don't really understand the feeling of change yet. And I'm worried I'm too much like my parents, which is scary. Visited some of Kevin's family today as well as having a visit from his dad. Kept us busy, which is how I like things. I hate sitting in the house all day, but it means I'm always dead tired when I finally get in at night. I haven't gotten sleep in the way I prefer it in a while, which is also okay.. I function better, somehow, but the lack of sleep always did destroy my ability to handle stress.. I also have gas that smells like a rabid dog after eating moldy rat flesh. I'm getting a 2001 3.1 6 Cylinder Lumina. I dunno if I mentioned that but..whatever, I'm happy, still. And stressed. But who cares? Everyone's stressed. I can't see why I'd be a concern anymore, honestly. I just wanted to get things off my chest. I still have no regard for what any of my self-righteous friends think of my posts.. No one comments, and sometimes I'll get people mention to me they've read them. Or I'll have Kevin defending himself when I was about ready to drink myself into a liver disease the other day. So far, only Rick's been in the positive with me so far about this.. I don't actually require anything, I'm just saying that the lack of interests allow me to say whatever I fucking want to without any regret, as if I'm just sticking this onto my harddrive. If someone doesn't like it, they know by now there's not much they can do about it. Even Lauren vanished on me. Like hell she's too busy. I understand busy. Whatever. I'm also cleaning out my friends lists again, for fair warning. Doesn't matter; I don't use friend filters. Pray

May 25 2007 02:15pm I'm really in a bad mood. I'm trying to get shit done around here and nothing comes up but semi bad news.. My cumulative GPA is 2.6. I fucking hate myself now. I'm smarter than that, but I won't degrade myself to cursing my own soul due to a really long semester. I'll retake it when I get the chance to, that's all. I refuse to leave the school with anything less than a 3.5 cumulative GPA even if it takes me until 2010. I'm due to graduate around then anyway. Unless I can take it online..*scheme scheme*... C in Socio (hated that fucking class), C in math (big deal) A in Computers and an A in Violin class, B in English. I like my B in English. Why couldn't I get a B in 101? Wtf? Everyone's up my ass about jobs and housing.. I'm getting a 2001 red Lumina sometime around June 1st, so I atleast got that out of the way thanks to my rents..I'd have it now but the redeemed check I got doesn't clear until then. I've been trying to atleast get myself to clean up the damn apartment the way it should be. I tried, I really did, and I think I fucking gave up. Kevin just..doesn't seem to give a shit about it, so why should I? I'm so fucking tired of walking around on everyones clothes on the fucking floor and the dishes that are constantly in the fucking sink and that we have NO TABLE CLEAR in this whole damned fucking place.. I spent almost TWO WEEKS trying to get him to clean up his own CLEAN LAUNDRY from the floor. I take it all back. Mom called. I just want to walk infront of a fucking bus. I'm useless! I'm fucking not worth this shit and I'm taking up everyone elses precious fucking time. I can't be left alone for two minutes and NOTHING EVER GOES HOW I WANT IT TO. I can't find a job that mom'll agree to so she's constantly up my ass about how much of a fucking failure I am.. Kevin's already started the 'I'll be lazy cause I was working today' schmele.. FUCK that shit what the HELL Kevin? IT'S A PILE OF LAUNDRY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I'm going to go bawl in the shower. 2 Repents|Pray

"Muslim Guy Wanted" May 12 2007 12:36pm mood amused http://baltimore.craigslist.org/etc/329268321.html I found this while searching Craig's to find a job that won't drive me totally insane and I found this. ( Read more... ) Pray

May 09 2007 03:10pm I thought maybe if I rambled before I give my presentation I won't suck as much as I think I might.. Normally, I'm confident and chatty but this class hasn't really given me that... vibe, or whatever it is, yanno? I know I'll probably be ignored and it doesn't matter either way as long as I get a decent grade.. I hauled major ass out on this presentation, and I have one to do with Kevin. Maybe I'll go with him first and do mine later? I also thought if I kept talking I'll be too tired to give a shit, which has happened to me before back in CJ 101 when we had to present on our person of career.. I hated it, but I came out with a B in the course. Whatever. For a paid account, 100 userpics and 10 gb of space, I can spend a full 53$ on LJ. How absurd. I'm still sketchy on my will to do this presentation. I think I'm all antsy cause of nerves from it being the last week before finals. So much has happened as of late.. Moving, not moving, $300 in theft, moving again maybe?, too much driving I'm being retarded. I should be fine, and knowing that just makes me feel worse. Urg, circle of hell, yes!.. Gah. I miss the simplicity of being a homeschooled student, but I would never have been happy with myself if I didn't progress.. I just currently dislike my discomfort. Still. I'll quit bitching when finals are over in 8 days. -_- At 9 PM. And to keep a record of my crap: I have two presentations today (now, kinda) English quiz to do in the Writing Center (should make an appointment ASAP) Review the topic for the English final (need to make a topic sentence and consider what I'll write) Math final next week Math quiz this week (when I get the time to remember how to do Graphing) History project - need to go to the Walter's Museum to review my information, since I didn't get enough the last time. .It's due tonight, what the fuck.. Sociology extra paper -- must inquire as to what this paper is ON.. Then do it and turn it in next Tuesday at the final, I suppose. I don't have time to do it by tomorrow, I dont think.. and why would I when I'm planning on getting it in in 6 days? Tuesday - Math Final, maybe Sociology Final Weds - CINS final due, History Final due Thues - Sociology maybe, and English Meh. Pray

April 24 2007 11:47pm Evidently, people talk about me and I didn't know it. I also have a new name -- Joan -- which some people in the corner call me? I have yet to -- and shall not start -- gone to MFS meetings.. I go to Coffeehouse cause it's highly entertaining. Basically all my friends are there at once for the most part and I get to meet new people. The most interesting this time around was Rick -- woot! -- and last time was Benj. I guess Benj deserves a woot, I dunno.. heh. My cat's chirping at me. She took forever in deciding whether or not to jump up on my lap, and here she is now sniffing things. Cuteness! Kevin randomly decided to tell me, in the shower, that if I had our first child four years after we graduate we'll be 48 when they graduate high school. Kinda old..I don't like the idea, but I don't have the income to support anything right now. Never know. Honestly, if I was saving up for anything right now (hard to when I haven't a job.. I'll get one this summer) it would be for kids. I'll plan for one as early as 22. As for what else I want? I don't know. I never have. I thought I knew what I want to do but as far as an income? I dunno.. I really don't. I'm so lazy, I guess. I love playing violin and inquiring on things and learning new shit and going to class and meeting new people and experiencing everything from HATING stupid people to LOVING new friends like Ruth and Jess and so on... I.. I don't really want to leave the college. I've been with colleges for the last four-five years. Wherever I go, I'm at one, and it seems..right. I've created a sort of dependency on the atmosphere. As for everything else in life? All in due time, I guess. I haven't had time to gather my thoughts in months. I just couldn't begin with all the junk in my head. I'm so emotionally twisted I never know what to expect from myself. I used to know, used to be able to control things but.. I can't in the same way, and it's just..odd. 2 Repents|Pray

April 24 2007 09:54am mood sleepy music Kevin showering Quick update before I shower. I'm sore, I feel kinda nauseas, and I wanna sleep. I didn't sleep well last night.. Tim W. went to learn to drive a clutch on my car (hell if I care about that damn thing anyway, burn the clutch up..whatever.) and I lost brakes for a moment when we switched me back to driver. It's fine now, or so I assume.. I haven't driven it since but I was close to leaving it out in front of the mechanic's department over at CCBC. And yeah, Kev and I don't talk nearly as much as we used to. I'm getting irritated easily now and I find that I really don't talk to him about it.. or anyone else.. and it isn't just *him*, it's whatever bugs me. I've gotten a bit more reclusive lately. I think it's just cause I'm so busy.. I dunno. Whatever.. Friday I'm going to Second Shift's concert that night, and hanging out with some band members Saturday sometime.. Sunday I'm driving to NJ and Monday I'm freaking staying home. That's my schedule away from school. Anyone who wants to go to the concert needs like.. ten bucks. It's over at Fletcher's. They're selling their CD for $5. I would get one, if I had the money..Might make Kev buy one. Tee hee.. Pray